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Entry 1

February 18, 2013

    When I was a lot younger I found great peace with how literature and writing made me feel. It feels as if I’ve lost my will to manage anything others care about. I draw a very concrete line that weighs heavy on my future despite it’s statistics dawning from the past. 
    So much has happened and so much has changed from my days in California to my days now in Texas. If it sounds like a contrast between polar opposites, believe me, it is. I’ve never felt so religiously oppressed in my entire life, and that’s saying a hell of a lot. I won’t get into specifics, but trust me, I know what I’m talking about. 
    I just feel the weight of everything I’ve been keeping inside my brain. I’ve permanently sealed my mouth shut, despite my tongue screaming inside of it. I want to scream for real, just run really really fast until I can’t any longer. I want to free fall, I want to sing. I want to feel like my life has purpose beyond my family. Why is it that, even with those that love me surrounding me, I still feel empty and alone. Like I just can’t seem to tear down these walls, I don’t know why but I know that I can’t.
    I just want to be looked at like a help in lieu of being an impedance. That despite the few things I can offer regarding help, I’ve just caused damage to those I involve myself with. My wife was about to graduate from the university of houston until she met me. She dropped out, moved to CA with me, because of me we ended up homeless and in debt four grand later with her and her college fund paying for that excursion. I’ve ruined her life in a lot of ways…I think her love for me has blinded her from seeing the damage I’ve done. I love her so much…it’s just so apparent that she could have gotten someone and something much greater than me. 
    Every day is a struggle for me. To find a true desire see good instead of evil. I want to be a better me. I want to be better in general. Maybe life is just a sign trying to let me know that dreaming is for those who are predestined for such paths. It’s just been a long time since I’ve opened up on paper or computer in this case in quite some time. I’m sure my future posts will be significantly refined but for now this is what I got. 


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